The Century Collision

Last weekend (I initially typed "two weeks ago" because it feels like such a long time ago wow), I had the amazing, albeit fairly last minute, opportunity to be a facilitator for UPM's AIESEC conference.

Prior to making the decision, I was admiring the facilitators at our own conference and thinking how nice it would be if I were to have that chance, but maybe after I brush up on my skills first. Who knew a week after I had that though, the opportunity presented itself. 

At that moment, when I was asked, so many emotions including fear and excitement ran through my brain. I had to make my decision in a few hours, and I'm glad of my choice. 

For that 4 days, being with new people from different backgrounds whom I've never even met before was indeed refreshing and energising. I felt something in me that I've never felt before; I realised that I'm more open with them, not afraid that they would judge me. Perhaps this was due to their personalities as well. 

I managed to speak on stage in front of well over 40 people, and I would consider it a great accomplishment of mine. I mingled and made friends with the new members and encouraged them and (hopefully) inspired them. 

However, I think the greatest takeaway from the whole weekend was meeting the awesome bunch of people whom I hold so near and dear to my heart, despite only knowing them for that short period of time. 

I'm also proud of myself, and I believe that I can do almost anything, after this accomplishment. 

I also stand by the quote that "thoughts become good things, so choose the good ones.", because I feel like everything is slowly falling into place, one by one. 

I miss August

I miss August. 

I miss the people, the work, and the sights especially. 

I'm not sure how possible it is to change within a month, but I somehow feel different; good and bad different.

The good is that I feel that I've learnt so much from those people in the picture. Those people who barely knew me have come to love me for who I am within that short period of time, and I, them. I've learnt to trust and put my faith in people I've never worked with before. I also have a newer perspective on life which comes from being with people from so many different backgrounds. 

Well now for the bad. Mainly, I just feel detached and disconnected from the people who are currently around me. Maybe it's my own fault for purposefully distancing myself after they had left, and maybe it's because we never did connect on the level like I did with them. 

Nonetheless, I am here, and currently there's nothing I can do to not be physically here and I should make the best of it. 

Here's to August 2015. 

West Coast dreams

Something has been bothering me a lot recently and has taken up a lot of my limited thinking space: the aching feeling that I could/should be somewhere else instead of where I am now, driving down the same highway day after day. 

After some introspecting, as usual, I think that feeling is caused by the leaving of many others to new places, places I'd rather be in and places that I think that I "belong" in. 

As a young Malaysian, I am programmed to think by some of my peers and elders that in order to seek better opportunities, I should "get out" of Malaysia. The perception that the grass is greener on the other side is something that was instilled into my mind while growing up, and I am glad to say that I am starting to grow out of it. 

As much as it sounds like I'm promoting it, AIESEC has a lot to do with my mental growth. I believe that if we want to change the world, we should start in our own backyard. Why complain that your lawn is uglier than your neighbour's if you don't even bother to mow it?

When volunteering at the temple on weekends where I teach Tamil kids Mandarin literature (absurd, I know but my qualms about this system has no place on this blog), I feel the sense of urgency and importance of their education competency. The oldest of the kids is 10 years old, she can barely speak Malay let alone English, and I am supposed to make them recite da xue by memory. I am very worried for their future, but there is only so much I can do right now. 

One of the four blocks of PPR Kota Damansara

The Urban Mapper Project (THUMP), is the most recent project that I am working on along with my awesome team. A collaboration with #BetterCities and the Staff Association of UNDP/UNFPA/UNOPS, THUMP is a cultural mapping project that will be done in Project Perumahan Rakyat (PPR) Kota Damansara in order to understand the issues affecting their lifestyles and this time, our target is children and their health. As much as I am nervous for the start of the project, I am also hoping that it will help eradicate my doubts about choosing to stay in Malaysia while strengthening the reasons why I chose to serve this cause.  

I don't know where this post is going, as my train of thought is only as long as my attention span (which isn't very long to begin with), but to answer my own negative feelings, I would say that this is nothing but a yearning for a change of scenery and perspective and I have much to be thankful for.

Into My Own

"I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear. 

They would not find me changed from him they knew-

Only more sure of all I thought was true. "

- Robert Frost

I can't wait to meet you

I've created this idea of a person in my mind, my "soulmate" to be exact.

It doesn't matter what gender they are, or if they're gonna be my best friend or future partner, but they're the most amazing person I'm ever going to meet. 

We would have so much in common, but so many things different too, so we constantly learn new things through each other and we're never bored.

We'd understand each other intrinsically. 

There'll never be awkward silence between us because we value silence as much as the words we speak. 

They'd make me feel independent and dependent at the same time. 

They'd help me work on my flaws and perfect my strengths. 

We'd watch movies that we've seen a million times before because sometimes we like knowing how things end.

Sometimes we'd be unpredictable and go on adventures to recharge our minds. 

Most of the time just waking up and knowing that we have each other is enough. 

But sometimes I wonder if this person is possible; if the only reason I feel left out all the time is because I don't try at all but instead focus on an ideal that I created. 

Which is probably why I always get so disappointed in people all the time. 

Oh well. 

I am living for the future.

I realized that today, after reading Paper Towns in under 4 hours last night (I need to slow down my reading time sigh), and after reading my friend Charmaine's blog.

Most of what I've been doing my whole 20 over years of living on this planet was to prepare myself for the future: going to school, college, uni etc just to get a job and hopefully live a life that I want.

For these past few years, I've been doing that more than I've ever before. After secondary school, things slowly fell apart and I realized that some of the people that I was friends with some people merely because I see them everyday in school, not because we share common values or interests.

I lost myself for a while because I thought that something was wrong with me and only began to piece myself together late last year.

I feel like I don't belong here, even today as I write this. I feel like I'm beginning to be a part of something now, but deep down I know it's not true because at the end of the day that's always the case. People leave, things change, memories are forgotten and new ones are made. I am trying very hard to live in the now, but it is almost impossible and painful to think about. It's better not to be attached to anything now than feel it rip apart from you in the future. I've had enough of that already.

Most of the things and people I do and have now are merely transport. I am paving my road to where I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to become.

Paper Towns

I started reading Paper Towns mainly because I finally had a little bit of free time. I also read it because I felt out of place again and I didn't want to wallow in my sadness. Coincidentally, the story helped. I'm just a paper girl; a flimsy-flexible person with no feelings for people to care for. One day I will leave and find my paper town. 

"Lately I've found

When I start to think aloud

There's a longing in the sound

There is more I could be

In darkness I leave

For a place I've never seen

It's been calling out to me

That is where I should be"