The Century Collision

Last weekend (I initially typed "two weeks ago" because it feels like such a long time ago wow), I had the amazing, albeit fairly last minute, opportunity to be a facilitator for UPM's AIESEC conference.

Prior to making the decision, I was admiring the facilitators at our own conference and thinking how nice it would be if I were to have that chance, but maybe after I brush up on my skills first. Who knew a week after I had that though, the opportunity presented itself. 

At that moment, when I was asked, so many emotions including fear and excitement ran through my brain. I had to make my decision in a few hours, and I'm glad of my choice. 

For that 4 days, being with new people from different backgrounds whom I've never even met before was indeed refreshing and energising. I felt something in me that I've never felt before; I realised that I'm more open with them, not afraid that they would judge me. Perhaps this was due to their personalities as well. 

I managed to speak on stage in front of well over 40 people, and I would consider it a great accomplishment of mine. I mingled and made friends with the new members and encouraged them and (hopefully) inspired them. 

However, I think the greatest takeaway from the whole weekend was meeting the awesome bunch of people whom I hold so near and dear to my heart, despite only knowing them for that short period of time. 

I'm also proud of myself, and I believe that I can do almost anything, after this accomplishment. 

I also stand by the quote that "thoughts become good things, so choose the good ones.", because I feel like everything is slowly falling into place, one by one. 

I miss August

I miss August. 

I miss the people, the work, and the sights especially. 

I'm not sure how possible it is to change within a month, but I somehow feel different; good and bad different.

The good is that I feel that I've learnt so much from those people in the picture. Those people who barely knew me have come to love me for who I am within that short period of time, and I, them. I've learnt to trust and put my faith in people I've never worked with before. I also have a newer perspective on life which comes from being with people from so many different backgrounds. 

Well now for the bad. Mainly, I just feel detached and disconnected from the people who are currently around me. Maybe it's my own fault for purposefully distancing myself after they had left, and maybe it's because we never did connect on the level like I did with them. 

Nonetheless, I am here, and currently there's nothing I can do to not be physically here and I should make the best of it. 

Here's to August 2015. 

West Coast dreams

Something has been bothering me a lot recently and has taken up a lot of my limited thinking space: the aching feeling that I could/should be somewhere else instead of where I am now, driving down the same highway day after day. 

After some introspecting, as usual, I think that feeling is caused by the leaving of many others to new places, places I'd rather be in and places that I think that I "belong" in. 

As a young Malaysian, I am programmed to think by some of my peers and elders that in order to seek better opportunities, I should "get out" of Malaysia. The perception that the grass is greener on the other side is something that was instilled into my mind while growing up, and I am glad to say that I am starting to grow out of it. 

As much as it sounds like I'm promoting it, AIESEC has a lot to do with my mental growth. I believe that if we want to change the world, we should start in our own backyard. Why complain that your lawn is uglier than your neighbour's if you don't even bother to mow it?

When volunteering at the temple on weekends where I teach Tamil kids Mandarin literature (absurd, I know but my qualms about this system has no place on this blog), I feel the sense of urgency and importance of their education competency. The oldest of the kids is 10 years old, she can barely speak Malay let alone English, and I am supposed to make them recite da xue by memory. I am very worried for their future, but there is only so much I can do right now. 

One of the four blocks of PPR Kota Damansara

The Urban Mapper Project (THUMP), is the most recent project that I am working on along with my awesome team. A collaboration with #BetterCities and the Staff Association of UNDP/UNFPA/UNOPS, THUMP is a cultural mapping project that will be done in Project Perumahan Rakyat (PPR) Kota Damansara in order to understand the issues affecting their lifestyles and this time, our target is children and their health. As much as I am nervous for the start of the project, I am also hoping that it will help eradicate my doubts about choosing to stay in Malaysia while strengthening the reasons why I chose to serve this cause.  

I don't know where this post is going, as my train of thought is only as long as my attention span (which isn't very long to begin with), but to answer my own negative feelings, I would say that this is nothing but a yearning for a change of scenery and perspective and I have much to be thankful for.

Into My Own

"I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear. 

They would not find me changed from him they knew-

Only more sure of all I thought was true. "

- Robert Frost

I can't wait to meet you

I've created this idea of a person in my mind, my "soulmate" to be exact.

It doesn't matter what gender they are, or if they're gonna be my best friend or future partner, but they're the most amazing person I'm ever going to meet. 

We would have so much in common, but so many things different too, so we constantly learn new things through each other and we're never bored.

We'd understand each other intrinsically. 

There'll never be awkward silence between us because we value silence as much as the words we speak. 

They'd make me feel independent and dependent at the same time. 

They'd help me work on my flaws and perfect my strengths. 

We'd watch movies that we've seen a million times before because sometimes we like knowing how things end.

Sometimes we'd be unpredictable and go on adventures to recharge our minds. 

Most of the time just waking up and knowing that we have each other is enough. 

But sometimes I wonder if this person is possible; if the only reason I feel left out all the time is because I don't try at all but instead focus on an ideal that I created. 

Which is probably why I always get so disappointed in people all the time. 

Oh well. 

I am living for the future.

I realized that today, after reading Paper Towns in under 4 hours last night (I need to slow down my reading time sigh), and after reading my friend Charmaine's blog.

Most of what I've been doing my whole 20 over years of living on this planet was to prepare myself for the future: going to school, college, uni etc just to get a job and hopefully live a life that I want.

For these past few years, I've been doing that more than I've ever before. After secondary school, things slowly fell apart and I realized that some of the people that I was friends with some people merely because I see them everyday in school, not because we share common values or interests.

I lost myself for a while because I thought that something was wrong with me and only began to piece myself together late last year.

I feel like I don't belong here, even today as I write this. I feel like I'm beginning to be a part of something now, but deep down I know it's not true because at the end of the day that's always the case. People leave, things change, memories are forgotten and new ones are made. I am trying very hard to live in the now, but it is almost impossible and painful to think about. It's better not to be attached to anything now than feel it rip apart from you in the future. I've had enough of that already.

Most of the things and people I do and have now are merely transport. I am paving my road to where I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to become.

Paper Towns

I started reading Paper Towns mainly because I finally had a little bit of free time. I also read it because I felt out of place again and I didn't want to wallow in my sadness. Coincidentally, the story helped. I'm just a paper girl; a flimsy-flexible person with no feelings for people to care for. One day I will leave and find my paper town. 

"Lately I've found

When I start to think aloud

There's a longing in the sound

There is more I could be

In darkness I leave

For a place I've never seen

It's been calling out to me

That is where I should be"

"Everything in my head went quiet. 

All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. 

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments. 

Even in bed, I’m thinking: 
Did I lock the doors? Yes. 
Did I wash my hands? Yes. 
Did I lock the doors? Yes. 
Did I wash my hands? Yes. 
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips.. 
Or the eyelash on her cheek- 
the eyelash on her cheek- 
the eyelash on her cheek. 


I knew I had to talk to her. 


I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. 
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going. 


On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her.. 
But she loved it. 
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day. 
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk. 
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times. 
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked- 
when she talked- 
when she talked- 
when she talked; 
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges. 
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off. 
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her. 


But then.. She said I was taking up too much of her time. 
That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work.. 
When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line.. 
When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking.. 
And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place. 


She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but.. 
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her? 


Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t. 


I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her. 


Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. 
I see myself crushed my an endless succession of cars.. 
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. 
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel.. 
How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe. 
How she blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out-…. 


Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. 
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once-he doesn’t care if it’s perfect! 
I want her back so bad.. 
I leave the door unlocked. 
I leave the lights on. ”

Room for one more troubled soul?

So yes, this will be a blogpost addressing one if my many insecurities and today's topic is social awkwardness.

Like many internet people, I had trouble expressing myself vocally and approaching people. I often cringe when I remember situations where I acted so awkwardly that I have to lightly slap myself in order to wake up from the trance. This is usually followed be me softly saying "no, stop, don't remember that". 

First off, I'd like to clarify that social awkwardness is usually caused by the tendency to think that people are judging you by the way you act, hence you try to be cool and calm but bam it backfires and you melt in your own candle wax pool of awkwardness. 

I like to think that the social awkwardness in me was caused by the times back in school where people would judge me based on how I acted and how I looked. It's caused me so many problems for the part few years but now I'm slowly overcoming it. 

The friends I have now remind me that not everyone judged and people can like you for who you really are. I am constantly baffled by how some people are so much kinder and understanding than those I once knew. 

For your information, I know that social awkwardness isn't something that is fatal like diseases, but like any other insecurity, if it isn't dealt with properly, it can eat up your whole life and change your perspective of the world. 

Imagine if I was so socially awkward that I couldn't leave the house or buy groceries. 

It might not be as overused as the word "depressed" is, but it's as serious. 

If you're reading this and you need someone to talk to about anything, you can find me on the social networks above. 

PS: more mental awakening blogposts like these to come 

Can you read minds?

That is the first question I get when I tell anyone that I'm majoring in Psychology.

And no, I can't.

I can however read people really well, most of the time at least. You can tell by now that this isn't gonna be an interesting post.

Last weekend, for the first time, I've had someone so interested in having me read them. I started by explaining that it isn't always easy, but there are times that it is.

The easy times are when the person I'm analysing is a basic human being, with very basic needs and actions. This does not make him/her any less of a person as someone who is hard to read. It's just that they are able to express themselves truly and confidently, which I am very envious of.

As an example, the person that I read was someone who was competitive and a high achiever, she also like to gossip and talk about other people's downfalls and success. I came to a slight conclusion that what drives her in life is jealousy. This is not necessary a bad thing; most millionaires are motivated by wanting to prove that they are the best. However, it can also take over a person easily and you can lose yourself in the process.

The difficult parts are when I try to analyse people like me; people who put on a mask 80% of the time or people who have very intrinsic motivations. It doesn't mean that these people are incapable of expressing themselves outright, but that they have their own specific set of values and beliefs that drive them. Once comfortable socially, they might open up to you.  

I guess the point of this post is that do whatever you need to motivate yourself, whether it seems negative or positive, be true to yourself, but have a limit. 

In order to be successful in life you have to learn to accept yourself and also those around you. It isn't easy, trust me I'm still struggling with both, but it is attainable. 

I hope.

Note to present and future self

What's stopping you from being you?

From being the best version of your current self?

If you're dedicated and motivated enough, nothing can or will ever stand in between you and success; not even geography, politics or money.

Choose your own path and start paving the cobblestone a piece at a time. If you ever need a reminder or if you've simply lost your way, just glance back and remember how far you've gone and all the effort you've put into getting there.

Say yes to more things and people, but weigh your responsibilities.

Lastly, the only thing that can stop you is yourself.

Swimming, floating or drowning?

That was the question one of my lecturers asked when she wanted to know our progress in the class. I'd say right now, I'm floating, not in the context of my classes but in life.

Today was a nice day. Actually, it has been a pretty good week except for a few ups and downs. 

Penny's back, so that's always a plus. I've gotten a friendly reminder from myself that laziness is never the answer and that you'll regret more if you don't try at all. 

What a great mid-sem break. 

It's been pretty stress-free except for the constant spamming of emails from my mother regarding places that I should be interning at. 

Today I helped out at a temple event all the way in Titiwangsa. I had to get up at 5am and drive there, mind you. Just a friendly reminder that I'm not religious, but I do take part in religious activities and programs out of respect towards my grandmother, no matter how absurd they sometimes can be.

So I made the best of my day by doing silly things such as getting my face painted and have tons of people look at me: 

 

I also went to get my hand drawn in henna, which I really enjoyed. Some of it has come off already though. :(

 A 7 year old kid that I teach took this picture. I'd have to say that it looks beautiful. 

So, yes. 2 more weeks till I exams then hopefully it will really be stress-free. 

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them lil fucks

As of right now, there are several things going on in my mind:

Numero uno is transferring to another uni in my third year.  I noticed in my last post which was about 20 days ago, I said that I'll join AIESEC if I don't get in (which I did whoop whoop) I'll try again in Australia. FUNNY HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A MERE PERIOD OF 20 DAYS. Since then, I've learned that if I were to transfer to Australia, I'd have to live on my own (accommodation there costs a bomb apparently) and I only get to go for a semester (if not I'd have to pay Australian fees which are RM15k more than what I'm paying now). So naturally I started looking for alternatives. I've been thinking of transferring to the UK. Now yes, I know what you're thinking, isn't it more expensive blah (the things my mum said), but let me put everything into perspective and clearly in point form.

Good 'ol Australia

• One semester only (unless you want to spend RM15k more)
• Expensive accommodation (approx AUD100-200/week)
• Same course structure as I'm studying now (better off staying in Malaysia wtf)
• I can visit my cousins and they can visit me (Also my grandparents can fly over lol)
• Nearer to Malaysia

England

• One semester or a year (pay the same fees)
• I get to go to a top 10 uni (if I get in hahaha)
• Expensive accommodation (cheapest was £60/week)
• Cheaper to travel to neighbouring European countries
• I get to go to a new country and experience new culture
• I can't travel home on breaks 
• I can get a part time job on campus and I get paid in pounds lolol 
• RM10k grant per semester abroad

So yeah, I'm really keen on going to the UK, even though it's very terrifying to think of, but I really want to get out of my panda shell and learn to stand on my two feet for god's sake.

Stand on my two feet, get it? Don't punch me. 

Next would be my internship, which is part of my course. I've applied to a few companies, but I've only heard from one which I will be going for an interview next week. To be honest, even after going for so many different interviews and assessments, I'm still terrified of them. I tend to get clammed up and the anxiety kicks in and I can't think straight. For my last interview with AIESEC I couldn't think of the last book I read for Christ sake. 

I just realised that I'm sharing a lot on the internet about myself haha. I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore, and blogs are really a thing of the past tbh. Mostly this blog is for my own reflection and for me to keep up with my progress of being a person, rather than interesting events happening in my life. 

So yeah, on top of all my other problems, I really need to pee. 

A decade too old

HEY I'M FUCKING OLD. 

And I'm glad - sorta. 

As of today, I'm no longer a teenager, but make no mistake that I still have the mentality of a five year old. I have been trying really hard to do some growing up in the past year, which I guess is going well so far, despite some setbacks. 

So this are a list of things that were different this time last year:

The ability to control my emotions

While I am still an emotional wreck once in a rainbow moon, I have really succeeded in channeling my emotions into other productive means. Mostly Tumblr. 

Being proactive and confident (kinda)

I'm still struggling with this part, but I think it has been going well so far. I really want to get out of my shell and say YES to more things and stop being so afraid and introverted. So far I've joined the uni's volunteering program, currently undergoing assessments for AIESEC and trying to get to know more people. The only time I felt truly disappointed was when I was late for a briefing and didn't want to go into the auditorium because it was full of people. I ended up pacing up and down the corridor and waiting for them to have a break, but they didn't. After that I cried in my car. What a loser.

I've convinced myself to be strong if I don't make it into AIESEC. I'll just move on and try again when I'm in Australia, but I know I'll just cry myself to sleep for a week or two. 

Finding myself and my interests

Like sooo many other internet teens, I don't know what I want to do in life. After having a short existential crisis, I've decided that my goal in life is to be happy and to make other's happy. I think I may have mentioned this in the previous post. Right now, I really want to focus on my studies, and also develop other skills and maybe learn new languages. I've been learning French on my phone. Oui, je n'ai. I've recently developed an interest in film making and writing too. Jack of all trades, master of none. 

Other than that, I've been sitting in front of my laptop like a blob, reblogging posts of pandas playing in the snow.

Just an update rant

Hello! As I have completely no idea how many people still read the shit I post here, I'm just going to tell you everything (well, not literally everything) that has happened since the last time I posted. 

As of tomorrow, I will be in my  year 2 of uni, which means I have 2 more years of studying until I can get my degree (given that I pass all my subjects from now on). If you have read my previous post, you'd know that I'm currently studying for my psychology degree, it's probably not what I want to do, but it probably is what I'm going to end up doing, whether I want to or not, in order to earn a living. Even after 3 years since graduating from secondary school, I don't know what I want to do in life. All I know is when I ask myself (not when other people ask me) I will, in the most honest way you can be to yourself, say that my goal in life is to help people and make people happy. 

I know you may think that making people happy is so easy and you can just do it right now! Well, I can, but only to a certain extent and to a certain group of people. Right now, while you're bombarded by school work and family duties, you can only reach out to those around you and help them. These people already have me and others around to help them as well, so I don't need to contribute much. The people that I really want to help are those without families and people to care for them; they are the ones who need it the most. To actually do that, I'd need a lot of time and of course a lot of money. My future degree will hopefully help me fund that and allow me to do what I want to do.

However, social and charity work isn't the only thing that I want to do in order to make people happy. This may sound really really stupid, but for the past few days, I've been really anxious about uni and stuff (don't want to say what) so I've been watching (more than normal) YouTube videos to keep my mind occupied. The sense of community and friendship and positivism made me very happy and forget all the issues in my mind temporarily. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I'd really want to be a content creator, be it through blogging or vlogging or Youtube. Actually the latter two isn't really favourable because I have the cracked voice of a donkey. 

Right now, I'm saving up to go to another country to study for my Masters degree by doing my own business online. It's not doing that great, if I'm being honest and at times I really want to rip my hair out of my head. I'm not sure how it will do when I'm balancing school and this, but if I really can't cope anymore, I'll quit. It really isn't as easy as compared to a 9-5 job where you get a fixed income (which was how I paid for my iPhone) but it is more satisfying when results show. 

So, that's it. I will try to blog a bit more, for my own entertainment and maybe start a new website just for it. We'll see. 

Twitter and Teacups!

Ever felt guilty from unfriending someone from Twitter or Facebook just because you feel that their presence on your timeline isn't necessary anymore (or maybe that bitch just clogs your news feed up with nonsense)? 

Well, don't. It's completely okay to do so. 

I'm not an expert, nor did I do any research on this, but whatever that you're about to read comes from complete logic and common sense. 

*

Before social networking sites were born, it was complete normal to drop off the grid and not come in contact with someone. 

Even during the time when email came around, people sometimes just don't reply to your email conversations after a while, perhaps they found something better to do, or you just got boring. 

Anyway, the point is, humans weren't made for permanent friendships or connections. 

When Facebook and Twitter or even Friendster came along, you are in touch with everyone you are "friends" with all of the time. You are updated on what they're doing, what they're eating and so on on a regular basis, and it gets repetitive. 

The online communication world is far different from the real world. There is a larger chance of misinterpretation and miscommunication waiting to happen. 

On these social networking sites, you will (and you probably have) created your own image of the people that you follow or are friends with and this interferes with the real image of that person. 

So, you will either be very into that person (example being your favourite k-pop star or Justin Bieber) or annoyed as fuck by them (example being Justin Bieber). 

Hence, your image created of that person will make you more likely to be tolerant or intolerant towards a person, and when you are intolerant of them, just like in real life, you will stop wanting to be their friend. 

If you were to argue which networking site creates better bonds, I'd say neither. Unless it's a face-to-face communication process, then it doesn't really create strong permanent bonds. Constant one-sided communication can be tiring and annoying. Imagine your friend coming to your house every single day telling you the latest gossip and what they're currently doing in their lives. 

So yes, let's just end here. 

*

Back to my not-so-personal life, I've started an online business! 

Yes, the name of my Facebook business is Teacups. 

It's an online bakery for those living in Subang, Sunway and Puchong. 

I haven't really launched yet, and I don't know when I will, but please like my Facebook page! It will really help me a lot. 

If you have any want to know more, check out my Facebook page or send me a message! Thanks! 

#stop114A

Reverted my blog template in order to protest 114A.

Please learn about it here and join the protest for internet freedom.

Our future is in our own hands.

Random food post

I haven't posted in weeks haha. I've been really stressed with uni and piano exams, which are coming up really soon and I'm now actually starting to freak out. 

Anyway, here are some lovely pictures of food and random stuff. 

Enjoy!!

Red velvet cake that I assembled at work. I didn't bake it but only made the frosting and layered them. Fyi, I'm not a baker at work. I'm just an awesome cashier and promoter hahaha. Also, Saturday is my last day! :(

My boss wanted to try to see if they can sell waffles at the bakery as their tea time promotion so I whipped this up for him. I had to lug my 3-in-1 waffle machine to the bakery. 

Bought this pan from Diaso coz it's too cute. Thinking of what to make with this. 

My first attempt at a rainbow cake for Cinyi's birthday. Not too bad but I wouldn't use buttercream ever again. I think I'll try cloud frosting or cream cheese frosting. Yum. :D

The aftermath of the rainbow cake all over my hands. 

Blueberry cheese tart made by the new baker at work. She's an amazing baker, but the seniors are out to get her. :/ 

Lemon squares I made for a lunch gathering at my second aunt's house.  Pretty good for a first attempt.

Creme Brulee that my second aunt made. She also made a delicious tiramisu.  I'd love to make both of those but I don't think anyone in my family except my brother would eat them. 

That's all for this post! Feel free to leave comments anywhere on this blog, either on my posts or on my tagboard. Also, I'm starting uni on Monday! Wish me luck! :D 

What I've done the past 7 days

I'm really free now since I only work 3 days a week so I either bake or cook or just stone in front of the laptop during the other days. I really need to get another job. 

Made this more than a week ago. Chocolate sponge layers with fresh cream, bananas and strawberries.

Made macarons in the bakery with Prissy the other day. Filling them was very fun. :D

My mini macaron hehe.

Stacking them up! :D

Most recently, made vegetarian quiche for the family. The pastry was awesome to make. :) 

If you want to ask me something, feel free to email me at rawrschellebakes@gmail.com. No spam please! :)

Take Off

Yayyyyyyyyyy. I got my first order. 

Very grateful even though I had to spend the whole day making chocolate chip cookies. 

I don't think that they're perfect, but they still do look pretty. :) 

If you'd like to know about the pricing, or just want to know what other type of cookies I can do, feel free to comment or PM me through the social networks I'm on. :)