"Everything in my head went quiet. 

All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. 

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments. 

Even in bed, I’m thinking: 
Did I lock the doors? Yes. 
Did I wash my hands? Yes. 
Did I lock the doors? Yes. 
Did I wash my hands? Yes. 
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips.. 
Or the eyelash on her cheek- 
the eyelash on her cheek- 
the eyelash on her cheek. 


I knew I had to talk to her. 


I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. 
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going. 


On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her.. 
But she loved it. 
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day. 
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk. 
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times. 
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked- 
when she talked- 
when she talked- 
when she talked; 
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges. 
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off. 
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her. 


But then.. She said I was taking up too much of her time. 
That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work.. 
When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line.. 
When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking.. 
And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place. 


She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but.. 
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her? 


Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t. 


I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her. 


Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. 
I see myself crushed my an endless succession of cars.. 
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. 
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel.. 
How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe. 
How she blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out candles- 
blows out-…. 


Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. 
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once-he doesn’t care if it’s perfect! 
I want her back so bad.. 
I leave the door unlocked. 
I leave the lights on. ”

Room for one more troubled soul?

So yes, this will be a blogpost addressing one if my many insecurities and today's topic is social awkwardness.

Like many internet people, I had trouble expressing myself vocally and approaching people. I often cringe when I remember situations where I acted so awkwardly that I have to lightly slap myself in order to wake up from the trance. This is usually followed be me softly saying "no, stop, don't remember that". 

First off, I'd like to clarify that social awkwardness is usually caused by the tendency to think that people are judging you by the way you act, hence you try to be cool and calm but bam it backfires and you melt in your own candle wax pool of awkwardness. 

I like to think that the social awkwardness in me was caused by the times back in school where people would judge me based on how I acted and how I looked. It's caused me so many problems for the part few years but now I'm slowly overcoming it. 

The friends I have now remind me that not everyone judged and people can like you for who you really are. I am constantly baffled by how some people are so much kinder and understanding than those I once knew. 

For your information, I know that social awkwardness isn't something that is fatal like diseases, but like any other insecurity, if it isn't dealt with properly, it can eat up your whole life and change your perspective of the world. 

Imagine if I was so socially awkward that I couldn't leave the house or buy groceries. 

It might not be as overused as the word "depressed" is, but it's as serious. 

If you're reading this and you need someone to talk to about anything, you can find me on the social networks above. 

PS: more mental awakening blogposts like these to come 

Can you read minds?

That is the first question I get when I tell anyone that I'm majoring in Psychology.

And no, I can't.

I can however read people really well, most of the time at least. You can tell by now that this isn't gonna be an interesting post.

Last weekend, for the first time, I've had someone so interested in having me read them. I started by explaining that it isn't always easy, but there are times that it is.

The easy times are when the person I'm analysing is a basic human being, with very basic needs and actions. This does not make him/her any less of a person as someone who is hard to read. It's just that they are able to express themselves truly and confidently, which I am very envious of.

As an example, the person that I read was someone who was competitive and a high achiever, she also like to gossip and talk about other people's downfalls and success. I came to a slight conclusion that what drives her in life is jealousy. This is not necessary a bad thing; most millionaires are motivated by wanting to prove that they are the best. However, it can also take over a person easily and you can lose yourself in the process.

The difficult parts are when I try to analyse people like me; people who put on a mask 80% of the time or people who have very intrinsic motivations. It doesn't mean that these people are incapable of expressing themselves outright, but that they have their own specific set of values and beliefs that drive them. Once comfortable socially, they might open up to you.  

I guess the point of this post is that do whatever you need to motivate yourself, whether it seems negative or positive, be true to yourself, but have a limit. 

In order to be successful in life you have to learn to accept yourself and also those around you. It isn't easy, trust me I'm still struggling with both, but it is attainable. 

I hope.

Note to present and future self

What's stopping you from being you?

From being the best version of your current self?

If you're dedicated and motivated enough, nothing can or will ever stand in between you and success; not even geography, politics or money.

Choose your own path and start paving the cobblestone a piece at a time. If you ever need a reminder or if you've simply lost your way, just glance back and remember how far you've gone and all the effort you've put into getting there.

Say yes to more things and people, but weigh your responsibilities.

Lastly, the only thing that can stop you is yourself.

Swimming, floating or drowning?

That was the question one of my lecturers asked when she wanted to know our progress in the class. I'd say right now, I'm floating, not in the context of my classes but in life.

Today was a nice day. Actually, it has been a pretty good week except for a few ups and downs. 

Penny's back, so that's always a plus. I've gotten a friendly reminder from myself that laziness is never the answer and that you'll regret more if you don't try at all. 

What a great mid-sem break. 

It's been pretty stress-free except for the constant spamming of emails from my mother regarding places that I should be interning at. 

Today I helped out at a temple event all the way in Titiwangsa. I had to get up at 5am and drive there, mind you. Just a friendly reminder that I'm not religious, but I do take part in religious activities and programs out of respect towards my grandmother, no matter how absurd they sometimes can be.

So I made the best of my day by doing silly things such as getting my face painted and have tons of people look at me: 

 

I also went to get my hand drawn in henna, which I really enjoyed. Some of it has come off already though. :(

 A 7 year old kid that I teach took this picture. I'd have to say that it looks beautiful. 

So, yes. 2 more weeks till I exams then hopefully it will really be stress-free. 

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them lil fucks

As of right now, there are several things going on in my mind:

Numero uno is transferring to another uni in my third year.  I noticed in my last post which was about 20 days ago, I said that I'll join AIESEC if I don't get in (which I did whoop whoop) I'll try again in Australia. FUNNY HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A MERE PERIOD OF 20 DAYS. Since then, I've learned that if I were to transfer to Australia, I'd have to live on my own (accommodation there costs a bomb apparently) and I only get to go for a semester (if not I'd have to pay Australian fees which are RM15k more than what I'm paying now). So naturally I started looking for alternatives. I've been thinking of transferring to the UK. Now yes, I know what you're thinking, isn't it more expensive blah (the things my mum said), but let me put everything into perspective and clearly in point form.

Good 'ol Australia

• One semester only (unless you want to spend RM15k more)
• Expensive accommodation (approx AUD100-200/week)
• Same course structure as I'm studying now (better off staying in Malaysia wtf)
• I can visit my cousins and they can visit me (Also my grandparents can fly over lol)
• Nearer to Malaysia

England

• One semester or a year (pay the same fees)
• I get to go to a top 10 uni (if I get in hahaha)
• Expensive accommodation (cheapest was £60/week)
• Cheaper to travel to neighbouring European countries
• I get to go to a new country and experience new culture
• I can't travel home on breaks 
• I can get a part time job on campus and I get paid in pounds lolol 
• RM10k grant per semester abroad

So yeah, I'm really keen on going to the UK, even though it's very terrifying to think of, but I really want to get out of my panda shell and learn to stand on my two feet for god's sake.

Stand on my two feet, get it? Don't punch me. 

Next would be my internship, which is part of my course. I've applied to a few companies, but I've only heard from one which I will be going for an interview next week. To be honest, even after going for so many different interviews and assessments, I'm still terrified of them. I tend to get clammed up and the anxiety kicks in and I can't think straight. For my last interview with AIESEC I couldn't think of the last book I read for Christ sake. 

I just realised that I'm sharing a lot on the internet about myself haha. I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore, and blogs are really a thing of the past tbh. Mostly this blog is for my own reflection and for me to keep up with my progress of being a person, rather than interesting events happening in my life. 

So yeah, on top of all my other problems, I really need to pee. 

A decade too old

HEY I'M FUCKING OLD. 

And I'm glad - sorta. 

As of today, I'm no longer a teenager, but make no mistake that I still have the mentality of a five year old. I have been trying really hard to do some growing up in the past year, which I guess is going well so far, despite some setbacks. 

So this are a list of things that were different this time last year:

The ability to control my emotions

While I am still an emotional wreck once in a rainbow moon, I have really succeeded in channeling my emotions into other productive means. Mostly Tumblr. 

Being proactive and confident (kinda)

I'm still struggling with this part, but I think it has been going well so far. I really want to get out of my shell and say YES to more things and stop being so afraid and introverted. So far I've joined the uni's volunteering program, currently undergoing assessments for AIESEC and trying to get to know more people. The only time I felt truly disappointed was when I was late for a briefing and didn't want to go into the auditorium because it was full of people. I ended up pacing up and down the corridor and waiting for them to have a break, but they didn't. After that I cried in my car. What a loser.

I've convinced myself to be strong if I don't make it into AIESEC. I'll just move on and try again when I'm in Australia, but I know I'll just cry myself to sleep for a week or two. 

Finding myself and my interests

Like sooo many other internet teens, I don't know what I want to do in life. After having a short existential crisis, I've decided that my goal in life is to be happy and to make other's happy. I think I may have mentioned this in the previous post. Right now, I really want to focus on my studies, and also develop other skills and maybe learn new languages. I've been learning French on my phone. Oui, je n'ai. I've recently developed an interest in film making and writing too. Jack of all trades, master of none. 

Other than that, I've been sitting in front of my laptop like a blob, reblogging posts of pandas playing in the snow.