I realized that today, after reading Paper Towns in under 4 hours last night (I need to slow down my reading time sigh), and after reading my friend Charmaine's blog.
Most of what I've been doing my whole 20 over years of living on this planet was to prepare myself for the future: going to school, college, uni etc just to get a job and hopefully live a life that I want.
For these past few years, I've been doing that more than I've ever before. After secondary school, things slowly fell apart and I realized that some of the people that I was friends with some people merely because I see them everyday in school, not because we share common values or interests.
I lost myself for a while because I thought that something was wrong with me and only began to piece myself together late last year.
I feel like I don't belong here, even today as I write this. I feel like I'm beginning to be a part of something now, but deep down I know it's not true because at the end of the day that's always the case. People leave, things change, memories are forgotten and new ones are made. I am trying very hard to live in the now, but it is almost impossible and painful to think about. It's better not to be attached to anything now than feel it rip apart from you in the future. I've had enough of that already.
Most of the things and people I do and have now are merely transport. I am paving my road to where I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to become.
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